A Wise Friend

I am lucky enough to have an amazing friend who is always willing to listen to me, and help me in times of need, and this weekend was definitely a time of need. She said to me,

"Your challenge you told me about, the way you came out of that proves to me how strong you are and that you can fight and win. You just need to remind yourself of that strength. You are beautiful just the way you are. You are a caring individual to those who are close to you. Don't forget that. Don't forget that you are amazing and a fighter. Those are good qualities to have. Satan is always going to be there, even when you finally feel you have defeated him and won. He strikes when we are at our most vulnerable state of mind. But the Lord gave us a choice. To fight and fight against him or to wave a white flage and surrender. And you my friend are a fighter and that tickes him off so he tries harder and harder."

What a great friend I have. Krista Lynn, I love you! She reminded me of what's really important. I felt like I had finally defeated me. Instead of staying strong, I got a little lazy, and Satan saw that opportunity and seized it. I let this happen. Not anymore. She also said,

"You aren't allowing yourself to feel the postivies from the weeks that you do work hard. If you continue to be in control with a negative attitude you are going to coninue to relapse. Changing your attitude is just as difficult, if not harder... If you continue to think you are only going to fail in your life, then you aren't going to get very far."

She's completely right. Attitude is everything. And I haven't picked a very good one. I need and want to get back to how I was a week ago. Positive, happy, and very much in control. But to be in control the right way.

Today in Relief Society we talked about sexual sin (or sexual abuse), and using the Atonement to repent. Having never committed a sexual sin, I decided to think of it in my situation. This lesson today was exactly what I needed. I sat sobbing in the back of the classroom because I remembered all the good and positive feelings I felt when I came to the realization of having the Atonement in my life. I needed to hear it, and what calm feelings came over me. It was a good reminder. There is a reason why 'Remember' is the most common word in the Book of Mormon. We always need to be reminded, and to remember.



This picture was given to use in our Relif Society meeting. The teacher's son (she's the wife of the 2nd counsler in the Bishopric) is the artist, and he names this picture "The Prince of Peace" because only through Christ can peace come. I will look at it often.

Failed

Why does this have to be so difficult? Change is sooooo difficult. It isn't impossible, I know that, but why does it always feel that way?

I practically ate everything in sight today. I didn't want to, nor did I need to. But I did it anyway. Usually, I know the cause, but today, I just couldn't pinpoint it. I have been... Well, I once was doing so well, then I got lazy. I didn't want to get lazy. I didn't want to do anything I wasn't suppose to, it just sorta happened. I let it slip through my fingers and I feel like I'm back at square one. :(

I think it's time I go into the psychologist's office on campus and seek real help. I know what I need to do. And how to live my life, but sometimes, I lose focus. I lose what's truly important. Satan is working so hard on me. And he knows the right things to say to me, the perfect little phrases to get me to think the worst of myself.

I pray and pray for help, but my will is just not strong enough. People tell me I'm strong, but in all reality, I'm not. I'm weak, and lazy. I know the Lord can help me. But for some reason Satan seems stronger. I can't do this on my own, and the Lord can help me, why can't I change?

Why do I turn to food for all the wrong reasons? Do I use it to pass time? Do I use it as a form of comfort? Do I use it to help relieve stress? Why is it that I can't find other things to do, instead of eat? Eating is just so convinent. It's always there. Where as exercising, I have to change into workout clothes, do my hair, go. Then I have to shower afterwards, dry my hair, ect. But that isn't the case with eating. This could also be that I'm just lazy. Sometimes I feel like I'm too busy with work and school, sleeping and such to do it, but I'm not always busy.

Now I'm just rambling, but my thoughts are all a jumble, and I feel like I have no control over anything. Just like someone who cuts themselves, or is anorexic, or bulimic... We feel like we have no control over anything, so we turn to forms of self-tourcher to give us that control. To any who has an addiction, we all feel the same. And I know a little bit about what you are going through.

You commit to do better. You tell yourself you aren't going to be that way anymore. Yet somehow, you slip up. Consciously you tell yourself you don't want to be that way, and you don't want to do it. But for some unknown reason, you find yourself doing the exact thing you told yourself you weren't going to do anymore. So the next day you try. And they day after that. You just get in this vicious cycle, and you can't seem to get out. "You don't drown by falling in water, you drown by staying there." We all stay there, because we can't figure out how to swim. We can't figure out how to make it, stay afloat, and succeed. We end up drowning. And that sucks.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Does it ever feel like when you're trying to accomplish something extremely hard, and whenever you do something right, you end up taking two steps back? I do. And I hate it. As I work on this goal to beat this eating disorder, I make progress, and I take a step forward. And then, WHABAM! I'm pushed two steps back.

I'm sitting here thinking about this constant struggle within my head, a thought comes into my head, "You are no better than the people of the Old Testament and the Book of Mormon." Time and time again have I been given answers to my prayers. Found answers in the scriptures, and have countless spiritual experiences, and, like I said, make progress. Then, I'm fall flat on my butt trying to start all over again. Constantly the people in the Old Testatment and Book of Mormon are reminded of the Lord and all He has done for them. Yet they manage to fall right back into temptation and sin.

How am I any different? I always think to myself, "How can they be so stupid? Clearly the Lord is there and willing to help, but they find it too easy to live in sin." Again, how am I any different? Clearly the Lord is there and willing to help, but I find it too easy to go back to my addiction and be as I was before. "God has entrusted me with myself"... and I'm failing Him. I'm failing myself, and I'm failing all those who love me.

Why is it so hard? You'd think trying to do the right thing, it would be easy. So why am I having such a hard time with this? I'm becoming lazy, and that is not okay. Just like the people of the Old Testament and Book of Mormon, laziness is not good. "This is a time when we have to choose between that which is right, and that which is easy." -- Professor Dumbledore I've alreayd posted this quote once before in one of my blogs, but I decided I needed it again. Easy is having an addiction. What's right is overcoming that addiction, and doing all I can to conquer it.

Doctrine and Covenants 6:22-23
This is my favorite scripture, it reminds me what I have been given. "Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?" He has told me. And I need to remember. He has spoken peace to my heart concerning the matter. I need to trust in Him.

Spiritual Highs

I LOVE Spiritual Highs, I absolutely love them... But they make returning to normal life extremely hard. Having just recently come off my Atonement spiritual high, I am quite vulnerable to Satan and his wants and wishes. I'm fighting so hard against him, and he isn't making it any easier. Finding out more and more about myself, and who I want and wish to be, and each time, he whispers in my ear, "You aren't good enough." "The Atonement isn't for you." "You do need to do this on your own, and you can't accomplish this goal. You should just give up now." Oh boy.

It's hard enough, and he just keeps making it harder. You know what that means? More time on my knees, more time studying the scriptures, and more time spent doing worthwhile things, instead of sitting in self-pity and losing control of my thoughts. I wonder if this is what missionaries feel like right when they come home. Having this two year spiritual high, and then crash-landing in real life, and being smacked by Satan. Eww! No wonder they have a hard time.

I really do need to spend more time on my knees. Talking with our Heavenly Father just seems to make everything better. Ever get that feeling? And reading my scriptures. I just got to 3 Nephi 11. I cried. When the Savior comes to the Americas, just after He has been resurrected. I could imagine being one of the Nephities, and feeling the prints of the nails in His hands and feet. The look on His face, it just brought joy to my heart. I need moments like this all the time.

The Atonement is real. Jesus died for me. Someone once said, "Even if I was the only person on this earth, Christ still would have died for me." How true is that? What a blessing to have someone who loves us THAT much. He is my Savior. And He loves me.

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Don't Give in to Temptations

Mom is using this quote in her lesson tomorrow on the Temptations of the Savior. It's a good quote about strength and enduring to the end.

C.S. Lewis eloquently described the virtue and the rationale behind the temptations of Jesus in this setting. He said: "No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation meas. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of [an] army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means."

Healing

So I thought I'd update you all, even if you don't really care. I do, and I've read that putting this on the internet is a good way of keeping you on task. Because you are more accountable with unknown people reading your blog. So because of that, I'm sharing. If don't want like it, don't read it. As simple as that...

Anyway, today was the first day of eating real food again. I don't know how it will go down, but I think I've got it. I think I might have a control over things. I made spaghetti with whole wheat pasta, and I ate the right serving size. I think with my serious cut back the last two weeks, I have finally learned that, yes! I am full with the correct serving size. I am not hungry, nor do I have the desire to eat anything. I am bored, but I don't have the desire to eat anything.

I was going to post this yesterday, but I forgot and got super busy. BUT, this is what I was feeling yesterday. For the first time, I was feeling hope. I was finally feeling the happiness that comes from having prayers answered. I have always been someone who knew the Atonement was real, and yes, it works... But always thought it was for someone else. I always thought I had to do this on my own. I have been lying to myself for the last 20 years of my life. This isn't true, and I don't have to do it on my own. I am finally feelings the effects of serious prayer and fasting, because I am finally allowing it into my life. It's been there all along, I just never let it in. I felt joy, and happiness. And I felt so much love from my Father in Heaven. I can do this, and I will succeed.

My testimony of prayer and fasting has grown leaps and bounds in just two weeks. Everything seems so real to me now. The power of prayer and fasting is amazing, and I know it is real. Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, and succeed, and the only way we can do that is if we allow Him into our lives. Allow Him to help us. Every night I thank my Heavenly Father for helping me through that day. Helping me succeed that day. Which gives me more strength and courage to take on the next day. If I didn't fail the day before, I won't fail today either.

I ate some cookies last Sunday. Normally, I would have thought, "Oops, I messed up. Oh well, I guess that means I can just give up." I didn't do that. Monday morning came, and I was right back to my strict diet, and nothing swayed me. I was so proud of myself, as well as asking again for the Lord's help. I was able to bounce back, and carry on. It was great!

Whole Bunch of Stupid?

HAHA so tonight, my roommates and I were sitting around downstairs just talking. They had eaten a whole bunch of cookies, so they were on a sugar high. One of my roommates is obsessed with Star Trek, and she said she wanted to be a Vulcan, and have her heart where her liver is. My other roommates said, "That would be weird, you'd put your hand over your heart (where your liver is) and say 'The Statue of Liberty'"... Now, we all know she meant to say the "Pledge of Alligence" but Statue of Liberty was pretty hilarious. We laughed and laughed and laughed. Okay, so maybe I thought it was funnier than the rest, so I laughed until it hurt.

I do like when they are on a sugar rush... It's pretty crazy around here.

I'm Complaining About Work Again...

Last night was our first official day of being open. It was a "free day" for everyone in the city. Friday, and Saturday. Let me recap my night, and let me tell you, it was the night from heck.

First off, I was the head guard. That wasn't a problem. The problem is the pool itself. Who ever designed it, should be fired. Because it is AWFUL! Anyway, we had near capacity... 1033 people. If you can imagine that many people in one pool area. Should I spout of our totals? Sure... Why not? We had 11 water rescues. 9 lost children [looking for parents], 7 first aid situations (including front teeth knocked out), a drunk lady, and last but not least, threats on children's lives. Really?! Yes, it was pretty hectic, and I was running around with my head cut off. Trying to be extra eyes to help the guards, help with first aid situations, trying to figure out who is calling me (double whistles), and everything in between. My supervisor has set up our whistling system so that one whistle is to get a patrons attention, two is to get another guard or head guard's attention, and three when going in for a save.

I have a few problems with the three whistles. Why? Because it's confusing! When you have 20 guards on duty, all blowing whistles at people, it can sound like there is a triple whistle, and then I have to go find the source, and usually it's just three guards whistling right after another. Another reason, I feel like it takes too much time to whistle three times, and I find that it is very hard for me to do so. I can't think about whistling three times and trying to jump in to save someone. It's a hassle. And my last reason, I've been trained for a very long blast while going in for a save. When you go to jump in, you start your whistle blast and it should still be going when you hit the water. That way, you draw everyone's attention to you, as well as the head guard, because it's a lot easier for me to find you, instead of three individual blasts. BUT my supervisor believes the other way is better... UGH, so I guess I have to comply, but I don't like it.

SO, there was my night. Long, crazy, and I pray it will never be that busy again. Which, I know it won't, but I pray anyway.

No Running!

So yesterday was my first day at work. I probably said the phrase "No Running" a million times... No, scratch that. A billion times. For some reason, a wet pool deck and running is a concept people just don't understand. As well as all the rules we have in place to keep people safe. It isn't because we want to be mean, it's because I really don't want to perform a spinal, and send someone to the hospital, where they get to pay all that money to either, never walk again, or be a miracle and walk. I guess people just don't make a connection. But as a lifeguard, that's what I think about... Again, that's what I'm trained to do, so I guess I'm trained to think of those situations as well. Some people are just dumb though.

Here we all are. The opening guards of the first time at the new pool. Don't we look so cute?

As to update you on my "health"... I am doing much better! I've made a journal, where I can write down all the feelings that trigger my eating habits. This way, I can go back and read other instances and learn what I did, and it might help in a different situation. I've had several instances that I've either been bored, angry, hurt, or sad... And I've combated it with something other than eating. I'm so proud of myself! I can feel the change, and I can feel the difference. As well, as my testimony in my Heavenly Father, my Savior, and answers to prayer, each have grown so much in such a little time. I know They are real. I know They love me, and They want me to be happy.

Yes, You Should Be Jealous

So... I think you should all be jealous. Last night, for Family Home Evening, we went ice skating on a lake. Yep, that's right. A lake. Frozen solid and very slippery. We had so much fun!!! I pretended like I was Frozone from The Incredibles, as I was skating along. It was awesome! Even though it was ... 2 degrees oustide, it was still fun. We had had three fires in barrels, so we didn't freeze to death, and everyone else had hot chocolate. I had on a very thick jacket, and my coat. I was as snug as a bug in a rug.

Yesterday was the first day of school.

"First day of school! First day of school! Wake up, wake up! C'mon first day of school!"
"I don't wanna go to school. Five for minutes."
"Not you, dad. ME!"
"Okay... huh?"
"Get up, get up! It's time for school! It's time for school! It's time for school! It's time for school! Oh boy! Oh boy!"

Name that movie. ANYWAY, school came and went, I feel like a veteren, just doing the same thing day in and day out. I know the flow, and I got this all figured out. I should after five semesters... and 12 years of school. Crazy how at this age, we've spent more time in school than we have out of school. And for some of us crazy people who have decided to become school teachers; much, much longer. What were we thinking!? Oh well. All in all, school was good, and it's going to be an interesting year. One that will definitely help me get over my fear of public speaking. Yipee?

Praise to the Man

Tonight was a rather uneventful night, so I decided I was going to watch something from the Doctrine and Covenants DVD. On the 3rd video, it has Joseph Smith: The Prophet of the Restoration, Legacy, and a few other short videos. I decided I was going to watch the Joseph Smith movie.

Oh has my testimony been strengthened again! I cry when I feel the Spirit, and I was crying the whole time. My roommate probably thought I was weird. Oh well, she always thinks I'm weird, so there is nothing new there.

All I have to say is I know Joseph Smith was and is a prophet. He saw God the Father, and His son, Jesus Christ. He translated the Book of Mormon. He restored the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He lived great, and he died great. With his death, he sealed his testimony. What more could you ask for? Someone who is willing to die for what they believe in, because of the truth it contains. He gave his life as a testimony, which strengthens mine. Not only that, but I have felt the whisperings of the Spirit tell me, this is true. It is very true.

Here's To CHANGE!

Here it is, the 3rd of January. Where did the time go? Yesterday was my half birthday... I am 20 1/2. Six months until I am 21, and heading off to a mission. Hopefully.

I don't know why I've decided to share this, but maybe it will make me feel more accountable, and I'll be able to accomplish my goal. And for some where, I just feel the need to share this with more than just my mother.

I have been diagnosed with an eating disorder. Those two little words scare me to death, but it's true. Ever wondered why someone keeps using drugs? Why someone can't control how much they drink? Well, I know. I know all about it. It's not something I'd wish on my worst enemy.

And don't you DARE tell me, it's just telling yourself to stop. There are a lot more psychologial things going on in an addict's head. They don't need you to tell them to "just stop". They already sit there wondering why in the world they can't just do those two little words. The bingeing, the aftermath of self-loathing and complete self-hatred. The moments of complete bliss followed by total and utter hatred. Bliss because for the moment, you are "happy". Nothing matters while you are eating. You feel comfort, happiness, pleasure, and any other positive emotion. Followed by "Why in the world did I just do that?" "I can't believe I just did that, I'm SO stupid." Followed by more and more negative comments towards yourself. It's one of the most self-degrating practices you can do, yet why do we do it? Eating until total discomfort, followed by self-hatred. Doesn't make sense, does it?

That is why I am here to tell you that I'm going to break that cycle. Here's to change! Change from who I once was, to who I was meant to be. "God has entrusted me with myself."... And I am going to hold that true. "Now is the time that we must choose between what is right, and what is easy". This isn't going to be easy. Easy would be to give up and be unhappy for the rest of my life. What is right... That is working hard to become someone better. Someone happy and optimistic. That is who I truly want to be.