Failed

Why does this have to be so difficult? Change is sooooo difficult. It isn't impossible, I know that, but why does it always feel that way?

I practically ate everything in sight today. I didn't want to, nor did I need to. But I did it anyway. Usually, I know the cause, but today, I just couldn't pinpoint it. I have been... Well, I once was doing so well, then I got lazy. I didn't want to get lazy. I didn't want to do anything I wasn't suppose to, it just sorta happened. I let it slip through my fingers and I feel like I'm back at square one. :(

I think it's time I go into the psychologist's office on campus and seek real help. I know what I need to do. And how to live my life, but sometimes, I lose focus. I lose what's truly important. Satan is working so hard on me. And he knows the right things to say to me, the perfect little phrases to get me to think the worst of myself.

I pray and pray for help, but my will is just not strong enough. People tell me I'm strong, but in all reality, I'm not. I'm weak, and lazy. I know the Lord can help me. But for some reason Satan seems stronger. I can't do this on my own, and the Lord can help me, why can't I change?

Why do I turn to food for all the wrong reasons? Do I use it to pass time? Do I use it as a form of comfort? Do I use it to help relieve stress? Why is it that I can't find other things to do, instead of eat? Eating is just so convinent. It's always there. Where as exercising, I have to change into workout clothes, do my hair, go. Then I have to shower afterwards, dry my hair, ect. But that isn't the case with eating. This could also be that I'm just lazy. Sometimes I feel like I'm too busy with work and school, sleeping and such to do it, but I'm not always busy.

Now I'm just rambling, but my thoughts are all a jumble, and I feel like I have no control over anything. Just like someone who cuts themselves, or is anorexic, or bulimic... We feel like we have no control over anything, so we turn to forms of self-tourcher to give us that control. To any who has an addiction, we all feel the same. And I know a little bit about what you are going through.

You commit to do better. You tell yourself you aren't going to be that way anymore. Yet somehow, you slip up. Consciously you tell yourself you don't want to be that way, and you don't want to do it. But for some unknown reason, you find yourself doing the exact thing you told yourself you weren't going to do anymore. So the next day you try. And they day after that. You just get in this vicious cycle, and you can't seem to get out. "You don't drown by falling in water, you drown by staying there." We all stay there, because we can't figure out how to swim. We can't figure out how to make it, stay afloat, and succeed. We end up drowning. And that sucks.