Here it is, the 3rd of January. Where did the time go? Yesterday was my half birthday... I am 20 1/2. Six months until I am 21, and heading off to a mission. Hopefully.
I don't know why I've decided to share this, but maybe it will make me feel more accountable, and I'll be able to accomplish my goal. And for some where, I just feel the need to share this with more than just my mother.
I have been diagnosed with an eating disorder. Those two little words scare me to death, but it's true. Ever wondered why someone keeps using drugs? Why someone can't control how much they drink? Well, I know. I know all about it. It's not something I'd wish on my worst enemy.
And don't you DARE tell me, it's just telling yourself to stop. There are a lot more psychologial things going on in an addict's head. They don't need you to tell them to "just stop". They already sit there wondering why in the world they can't just do those two little words. The bingeing, the aftermath of self-loathing and complete self-hatred. The moments of complete bliss followed by total and utter hatred. Bliss because for the moment, you are "happy". Nothing matters while you are eating. You feel comfort, happiness, pleasure, and any other positive emotion. Followed by "Why in the world did I just do that?" "I can't believe I just did that, I'm SO stupid." Followed by more and more negative comments towards yourself. It's one of the most self-degrating practices you can do, yet why do we do it? Eating until total discomfort, followed by self-hatred. Doesn't make sense, does it?
That is why I am here to tell you that I'm going to break that cycle. Here's to change! Change from who I once was, to who I was meant to be. "God has entrusted me with myself."... And I am going to hold that true. "Now is the time that we must choose between what is right, and what is easy". This isn't going to be easy. Easy would be to give up and be unhappy for the rest of my life. What is right... That is working hard to become someone better. Someone happy and optimistic. That is who I truly want to be.
You are a true hero. Someone who laughs in the face of adversity and say's "Get thee hence [addiction]." I admire you, support you, and continue to pray for you. You can do this and it will be so worth the effort and tears. You will have joy and peace. Love you
ReplyDeleteYea for change! You can do it, I know you can. Thanks for inspiring me to become someone better, too.
ReplyDeleteWait, you're 20?!?!?! Holy Cow.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a good writer Cait. Seriously! Oh, and this disorder that you have...I've thought that I've had it for years. I still do. I feel like I was reading all about my own life. No one gets it if they haven't experienced it. Same thing with my anxiety and panic attacks!! But, despite the things that we wouldn't wish on anyone, (I'm totally with you there!) we can still have joy in our lives and love who we are and the potential that we have to become.
ReplyDeleteHang in there cousin. You've got another one on your side!